From the Diary of a Heartbroken Surrogate
Father
by
Simon Chan Kee Mun, 1998
t was a sunny day in September that I first laid eyes
on "my baby". From the looks of it, she had been abandoned by her mother.
You could tell because she was all alone. All around her was filth and
grime, made even more nauseous by the close proximity to a sewerage drain.
There she was, looking adorable yet forlorn amongst the dying vegetation
which was to be her home had I not done something to change that.
So, merrily I took her home so that I could take care of her. I was happy
that she was feeding very well, eating almost non-stop, only taking a
breather when it was time to sleep. All the time she did not make any
noise or sound except that when she was hungry and there was not enough
food around she will go wandering on her own. At her age she can be very
active indeed! What a wonderful baby! Bet you'll like to have one.
There was one time I got so worried because she wandered off and I could
not find her for almost an hour. Thoughts raced through my mind as panic
overwhelmed me. "What if she was hurt? Maybe even lost out there
somewhere?" I could not bear to find out the truth. It would kill me if
anything bad had happened to her. Calmness soon returned and I regained my
composure when I eventually found her underneath the bed.
Now some parents would have reprimanded me for not being a good parent but
you see, I am a single working parent and as such do not have time to look
after her while I was away working. Hiring a maid was out of the question.
Not all maids have the experience, let alone know-how to take care of her.
Most people would be squirmish at the sight of her. So every morning just
before I go off to work I will feed her and leave
enough food for her second and third helpings. And every evening when I
arrived home from work I will clean up after her to clear off all the
uneaten food.
She can be a messy eater at times.
I felt a sense of fulfillment every time I see her because she looks bigger
and prettier as the days go by. Then, one fine day she decided not to eat
anymore and started to hide in the corner of the room. She looked pale and
was not moving. I started to worry again. "She might be sick," I told
myself silently in my heart. But just then she showed signs that she was
okay. "It might be that she needs lots of rest, that's all," I heard
myself speaking as I tried to console myself. So I tried feeding her one
last time but she would not eat. I left her as she was, only to check on
her every hour to see how she was doing. By now she decided to discard her
old clothing and cover herself up so that she will not be disturbed. I
reluctantly abided by her wish for privacy. I was still checking on her
every hour on the hour when I was at home even to the extent of staying
awake throughout the night.
Such is the sacrifice of a dutiful parent.
One drizzling day in October, about a week later, everything fell apart. I
was doing my rounds checking on her when I noticed colours returning to
her face and body. For a brief moment I was happy because it meant that
she was okay but at the back of my mind the nagging fear remained... the
fear that she will leave me someday. "It is inevitable that they will
leave home once they have gained their independence," I recalled someone
saying as I resigned myself to my impending fate. "She will be leaving me
soon... my only baby." I was totally crushed. Heartbroken. But then I
realised that if I really love her I ought to let her go... let her spread
her wings and fly.... 
Simon Chan was surrogate father to a
caterpillar of the Common Tiger ( Danaus genutia intermedia ).
|
